Saturday, April 5, 2008

Upside down, inside out, and backwards....

That is the phrase I would use to describe the direction I feel my life is in right now. My sense of gravity is lost and I’m not sure of I’m headed up or down or if I’m even moving at all. I am feeling an urge to move, which I can’t do for another year because of my lease, but I am not sure if I am supposed to or not. I have wanted for many years now to live in California and I have been considering this a lot lately. I know that when I am married and have children I can’t pick up and move whenever I want to, so now, me being single and childless, seems like a good time. But there’s this teeny tiny other dilemma, I am about to become an aunt to twins, a boy and girl I cannot wait for the arrival of these TWO bundles of joy and this makes me want to move back east to be closer to my family. I love my family more than anything in the world and being close to them makes me feel whole.

I am also dealing with the fact that I am not sure if I am supposed to nanny anymore. I am beginning to feel overwhelmingly exhausted, mentally and physically, and I desperately long to work with people of a mature age. I want to feel like I have energy left for my own kids, I don’t want them to come around and me think “been there done that, seen it all before.” I want to look at my first baby in awe, the way the youngest I nanny makes me every now and then, and be amazed at how quickly they grown, and learn, and catch onto things.

If I don’t continue to nanny I have no clue what I will do for a living and this frightens me. I am trying to compile a list of jobs and skills I have to help narrow my search for my next job, and I am feeling incredibly uneasy at the thought of having to do anything that cramps me in a small room behind a desk.. I love working with people, though they do tend to try my patience, but then again, even I test the limits my patience.

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