Vulnerability is not a weakness

Vulnerability is a characteristic that I have lacked for many years and had no desire of aquiring. My outlook on life has been if you want something done, and done right, you better do it yourself. I didn't like asking for help, prayer, money, anything! I felt some kind of pride in being able to say I did it all by myself, and whenever something went wrong, I never understood why. I have been hurt by many relationships in the past therefore I tend to keep this wall up when I get to know new people. I only let them in so far until I decide that it is enough and we don't need to dive any deeper into each others lives and hearts. I liked to stay in the "safe zone."

As me and Daniel started dating I wanted to desperately open up to him, but the outcome of past circumstances was telling me 'don't open up, because if you do, it gives him full reign to destroy your soul like so many have done in the past.' As we spent more time together and our feelings became stronger for each other I really began to battle with what my heart and my mind were telling me. I prayed desperately that I would have the strength and courage to open up to Daniel, so I decided the best way to get the ball rolling was to talk to him about it face to face and express my fear. We had lunch one day after church and I told him that if I come across indifferent it is not how I truly feel, but I am trying my best to make myself vulnerable to him. I have learned that it is only when we make ourselves vulnerable to someone that we not only give them full reign to hurt us, but to love us.

It hit me last night that we not only have to make ourselves vulnerable to others, but to God. It is when we open the door and say ok God, come in, use me, heal me, work through me that he can show us the vast measure of his love. I have made myself vulnerable to God to say use me the way you see fit, if you have in your plan for us to move after we are married, then so be it. By making myself vulnerable to Him and really allow him to teach me, I have been overwhelmed by his perfect timing and the amount of love I have felt from him over the past few weeks.

What I once saw as a weakness, a longing, a need, I now see as a door that has opened my life up to bigger and better things.