Monday, September 29, 2008

When Vulnerability meets reality

I have to share a funny store with you. I Posted a few weeks ago on how I am having to make myself vulnerable to Daniel and I have been doing a great job at it and I love it, but this weekend I had my biggest vulnerable moment with him. We had gone to Nashville for the weekend and we were staying with my uncle and aunt. We had been at the mall for a little while on Saturday and I started not feeling well. Achy legs, didn't feel like I could hold my body up, just cruddy feeling so we headed home. I tried napping but that didn't work and I got really frustrated. I started talking to Daniel about it and I started feeling incredibly claustrophobic, which is usually the first sign that I am about to have a serious emotional break down. I realized I was so terrified to break down in front of him, not because I was afraid he couldn't handle it, but because I know I push people away when I get upset. I have been feeling the need to cry for weeks now and haven't been able to and I think I have realized that deep down inside I wouldn't cry because I didn't want to push him away. I explained to him that alot of times I feel the need to cry and I don't have anything to cry about and don't know why I feel that way but generally I feel better after a good sob. I told him that I didn't want to tell him I needed space because my heart was saying let him hold you and comfort you but my head was saying you just have to breath. It's when I am held tightly when trying to cry that things get really ugly and I tend to scream in fits of rage. I explained this to him and he asked me why I needed to cry and why I felt I couldn't. After repeating several times 'I don't know I just can't cry' I burst into tears, sobbed my eyes out, explained to him that I don't ever want to be one of those wives that runs and hides at the first sign of conflict and I don't want to hurt him and push him away because I need to breath. Within a few minutes and several sobs later I felt so much better! I told Daniel how crucial this moment was because so far it was my biggest moment of vulnerability. I was allowing him to see part of the cry of my heart, the area that in the past I have been so quick to anger. We talked to my mom about it last night and I explained that when i was younger I didn't care to push my parents away when i was upset because I knew no matter what they would still love me, they would still stay, but at any point Daniel has the ability to leave, even though I know he won't. Saturday night I was talking to my mom on the phone and I told her of my little emotional break down and her first question was 'how's Daniel?' I bust out laughing and said don't worry he's fine. She said is he still going to marry you? And he said Yes, I still love your daughter and I am still going to marry her.....I have a feeling my emotions where my mom's biggest fear also. :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jess, have you seen the way that boy looks at you??? But I understand, being vulnerable is always hard. I'm glad you had a break through this weekend.