"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."-Harry. This is one of my all-time favorite movies! The thought of old friends turned lovers makes for a great story, I just never imagined that it would become mine. When I moved back to the Smokies in May I never imagined that 3 1/2 months later I would fall in love with the brown eyed, baby faced little boy I met when I was 12. For the past 9 years Daniel and I were friends, but never close ones. We saw each other at church, but rarely outside of that. 4 years ago he started working for my dad building houses. I saw him rarely over those 4 years and didn't keep in much contact with him, but to my suprise 2 years ago he told me he liked me. And what did I do? I turned him down! (We both agree now that this was a really good thing because neither of us were in a good place to be dating anyone, let alone each other.)
Every day I am amazed more and more of God's perfect timing and how he truly does know who and what is best for me. He put this man into my life (again) at a time when we now share the same beliefs and values and goals for our lives. Within a few days after we started dating we agreed it was with the intention of marriage, 2 weeks after that he told me he loved me and a week later my dad gave him his blessing. Less than 8 weeks from our first date he proposed. There is no second guessing, no doubts, only confimation after confirmation that this is the man God intends me to spend the rest of my life with.
A few weeks back we went to a friends wedding reception and the older couple sitting at the table with us were talking about how great it was the bride had found such a wonderful husband. The woman said "sometimes you have to date alot of people to know when the right one comes along", and the man said something that almost brought tears to my eyes, he said "no you don't, you just know." This is something me and Daniel both now agree on completely. When we started dating we said we had asked people how do you know when it's the right one and they always said you just know. We never knew what that meant and always agreed there had to be more too it, but now we both agree, you just know. There is a peace in your heart and in your soul that I just can't explain.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
A little white lie and a diamond ring later I am engaged!
Daniel proposed Saturday, October 11th, at the city park where we had our first date! I had been expecting us to go to the jeweller the following Monday because when i called to talk to her earlier in the week she had told me the ring wouldn't be ready yet. But needless to say Daniel had called her before me and told her that whatever she does she MUST lie so i wouldn't know he was getting the ring that week! We had wanted some pictures taken of us at the park so he asked his sister to take some of us when i got off work Saturday. He really stressed Friday night that I dress up for the pictures and that night he also had sweaty palms for the first time since we started dating, I later found out that was because he already had the ring in his truck. We got to the park and took some pictures then his sister had us go down by the river. After a few pictures she had us back up some and I looked up at Daniel and he had this goofy grin on his face and I said what? He pointed to the ground and said what's that? I looked down and the words will you marry me? were spelled out in branches on the ground! I screamed and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him! And of course I said YES!!! And since his sister was there we have pictures of the whole thing!!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
He's the lucky one....
Everyone knows that death doesn’t ask our permission before it abruptly interrupts our lives, and no matter how much we prepare ourselves for such a time we always feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us when someone close dies. This is exactly what happened to me this week. For 14 months I nannied 3 of the most precious little boys I have ever met while living in Nashville. The youngest was full of energy and emotions, the middle was the strong, silent type, and the oldest was the comedian, the entertainer, the epitome of what it means to live life to the fullest.
All of these children are beautiful, amazing kids who have such a special place in my heart, but the one I want to tell you about today is Gram. Not only was he the comedian and entertainer, he knew no stranger, wherever his feet landed was his stage. Many people who saw him probably would have said that there was something wrong with him, he wasn’t normal, but Gram was more normal and determined and not afraid to be himself than anyone else I have ever met. The fact that he had down syndrome was only a minor detail of his life. It did not define him, or handicap him, it only handicapped those that thought he was any less than what God had created him to be.
On my lunch break Tuesday I received the shocking email that Gram had passed away. Gram is 12 years old, and for the past 8 years he has been receiving treatment for Leukemia. He had relapsed 4 times and the last time was this July. After having been through years of chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant there was nothing else that could be done. 3 weeks ago he took a turn for the worst and this Saturday his blood stopped clotting and his liver began shutting down and the doctors told his family there was nothing else they could do. Sunday they were planning on letting him go home Monday to spend his last little while at home, but that afternoon Gram walked through heavens gates.
Today I attended his memorial service. I don’t know about you but there is nothing more morbid to me than having to celebrate the life that was lost, the life of a child. As I walked into the visitation room one wall was lined with the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. A picture of Gram with his dog, one of him playing the banjo, another of him and his little brothers, one where he was all decked out in his top hat and magic wand that surely cast a smile on every face that passed by, and the last picture in the line was of one of Gram’s signature poses, a bow. His final bow. Jokes were told, stories were shared, but nothing beats the memories I have etched in my brain of the times I spent with this precious soul. I have seen him sing and dance many, many times and after each performance he closed with a bow, but none of them compare to the one that was captured in that picture. It saddens me to think that I will never see him bow on this earth again, but I have hope that the next time I see him sing he will be backed up by heavenly angels and it will be his greatest performance yet.
Everytime I hear of someones death and the stories that people begin to share of their life I am reminded of this passage I read months ago...
The Dash
copyright 1996 Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning...to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears,but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own;the cars....the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard...are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile...remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy is being read with your life's actions to rehash...would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?
Please keep Gram's family that he left behind in your prayers.
All of these children are beautiful, amazing kids who have such a special place in my heart, but the one I want to tell you about today is Gram. Not only was he the comedian and entertainer, he knew no stranger, wherever his feet landed was his stage. Many people who saw him probably would have said that there was something wrong with him, he wasn’t normal, but Gram was more normal and determined and not afraid to be himself than anyone else I have ever met. The fact that he had down syndrome was only a minor detail of his life. It did not define him, or handicap him, it only handicapped those that thought he was any less than what God had created him to be.
On my lunch break Tuesday I received the shocking email that Gram had passed away. Gram is 12 years old, and for the past 8 years he has been receiving treatment for Leukemia. He had relapsed 4 times and the last time was this July. After having been through years of chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant there was nothing else that could be done. 3 weeks ago he took a turn for the worst and this Saturday his blood stopped clotting and his liver began shutting down and the doctors told his family there was nothing else they could do. Sunday they were planning on letting him go home Monday to spend his last little while at home, but that afternoon Gram walked through heavens gates.
Today I attended his memorial service. I don’t know about you but there is nothing more morbid to me than having to celebrate the life that was lost, the life of a child. As I walked into the visitation room one wall was lined with the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. A picture of Gram with his dog, one of him playing the banjo, another of him and his little brothers, one where he was all decked out in his top hat and magic wand that surely cast a smile on every face that passed by, and the last picture in the line was of one of Gram’s signature poses, a bow. His final bow. Jokes were told, stories were shared, but nothing beats the memories I have etched in my brain of the times I spent with this precious soul. I have seen him sing and dance many, many times and after each performance he closed with a bow, but none of them compare to the one that was captured in that picture. It saddens me to think that I will never see him bow on this earth again, but I have hope that the next time I see him sing he will be backed up by heavenly angels and it will be his greatest performance yet.
Everytime I hear of someones death and the stories that people begin to share of their life I am reminded of this passage I read months ago...
The Dash
copyright 1996 Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning...to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears,but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own;the cars....the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard...are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile...remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy is being read with your life's actions to rehash...would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?
Please keep Gram's family that he left behind in your prayers.
Monday, September 29, 2008
When Vulnerability meets reality
I have to share a funny store with you. I Posted a few weeks ago on how I am having to make myself vulnerable to Daniel and I have been doing a great job at it and I love it, but this weekend I had my biggest vulnerable moment with him. We had gone to Nashville for the weekend and we were staying with my uncle and aunt. We had been at the mall for a little while on Saturday and I started not feeling well. Achy legs, didn't feel like I could hold my body up, just cruddy feeling so we headed home. I tried napping but that didn't work and I got really frustrated. I started talking to Daniel about it and I started feeling incredibly claustrophobic, which is usually the first sign that I am about to have a serious emotional break down. I realized I was so terrified to break down in front of him, not because I was afraid he couldn't handle it, but because I know I push people away when I get upset. I have been feeling the need to cry for weeks now and haven't been able to and I think I have realized that deep down inside I wouldn't cry because I didn't want to push him away. I explained to him that alot of times I feel the need to cry and I don't have anything to cry about and don't know why I feel that way but generally I feel better after a good sob. I told him that I didn't want to tell him I needed space because my heart was saying let him hold you and comfort you but my head was saying you just have to breath. It's when I am held tightly when trying to cry that things get really ugly and I tend to scream in fits of rage. I explained this to him and he asked me why I needed to cry and why I felt I couldn't. After repeating several times 'I don't know I just can't cry' I burst into tears, sobbed my eyes out, explained to him that I don't ever want to be one of those wives that runs and hides at the first sign of conflict and I don't want to hurt him and push him away because I need to breath. Within a few minutes and several sobs later I felt so much better! I told Daniel how crucial this moment was because so far it was my biggest moment of vulnerability. I was allowing him to see part of the cry of my heart, the area that in the past I have been so quick to anger. We talked to my mom about it last night and I explained that when i was younger I didn't care to push my parents away when i was upset because I knew no matter what they would still love me, they would still stay, but at any point Daniel has the ability to leave, even though I know he won't. Saturday night I was talking to my mom on the phone and I told her of my little emotional break down and her first question was 'how's Daniel?' I bust out laughing and said don't worry he's fine. She said is he still going to marry you? And he said Yes, I still love your daughter and I am still going to marry her.....I have a feeling my emotions where my mom's biggest fear also. :)
Monday, September 15, 2008
The next chapter of my life starts right here.....
Here is a picture of me and Daniel at Metcalf Bottoms on Labor Day. I would love to be all mushy and gushy and tell you what a wonderful man he is, but I still am very speechless because of how blessed I am.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Vulnerability is not a weakness
Vulnerability is a characteristic that I have lacked for many years and had no desire of aquiring. My outlook on life has been if you want something done, and done right, you better do it yourself. I didn't like asking for help, prayer, money, anything! I felt some kind of pride in being able to say I did it all by myself, and whenever something went wrong, I never understood why. I have been hurt by many relationships in the past therefore I tend to keep this wall up when I get to know new people. I only let them in so far until I decide that it is enough and we don't need to dive any deeper into each others lives and hearts. I liked to stay in the "safe zone."
As me and Daniel started dating I wanted to desperately open up to him, but the outcome of past circumstances was telling me 'don't open up, because if you do, it gives him full reign to destroy your soul like so many have done in the past.' As we spent more time together and our feelings became stronger for each other I really began to battle with what my heart and my mind were telling me. I prayed desperately that I would have the strength and courage to open up to Daniel, so I decided the best way to get the ball rolling was to talk to him about it face to face and express my fear. We had lunch one day after church and I told him that if I come across indifferent it is not how I truly feel, but I am trying my best to make myself vulnerable to him. I have learned that it is only when we make ourselves vulnerable to someone that we not only give them full reign to hurt us, but to love us.
It hit me last night that we not only have to make ourselves vulnerable to others, but to God. It is when we open the door and say ok God, come in, use me, heal me, work through me that he can show us the vast measure of his love. I have made myself vulnerable to God to say use me the way you see fit, if you have in your plan for us to move after we are married, then so be it. By making myself vulnerable to Him and really allow him to teach me, I have been overwhelmed by his perfect timing and the amount of love I have felt from him over the past few weeks.
What I once saw as a weakness, a longing, a need, I now see as a door that has opened my life up to bigger and better things.
As me and Daniel started dating I wanted to desperately open up to him, but the outcome of past circumstances was telling me 'don't open up, because if you do, it gives him full reign to destroy your soul like so many have done in the past.' As we spent more time together and our feelings became stronger for each other I really began to battle with what my heart and my mind were telling me. I prayed desperately that I would have the strength and courage to open up to Daniel, so I decided the best way to get the ball rolling was to talk to him about it face to face and express my fear. We had lunch one day after church and I told him that if I come across indifferent it is not how I truly feel, but I am trying my best to make myself vulnerable to him. I have learned that it is only when we make ourselves vulnerable to someone that we not only give them full reign to hurt us, but to love us.
It hit me last night that we not only have to make ourselves vulnerable to others, but to God. It is when we open the door and say ok God, come in, use me, heal me, work through me that he can show us the vast measure of his love. I have made myself vulnerable to God to say use me the way you see fit, if you have in your plan for us to move after we are married, then so be it. By making myself vulnerable to Him and really allow him to teach me, I have been overwhelmed by his perfect timing and the amount of love I have felt from him over the past few weeks.
What I once saw as a weakness, a longing, a need, I now see as a door that has opened my life up to bigger and better things.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Medicine only goes so far, then comes God
For about the last year I have suffered from extreme exhaustion, restless sleep night after night, and aches all over my body like when you have the flu. I thought for several months that it was just because I was working long hours chasing 3 kids around. Once I moved back to the Smokies I wasn't working and I wasn't feeling any better. I knew that something wasn't right, I just didn't know what. I heard about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and its symptoms were very similar to what I was feeling. I went to my doctor and she said that it sounded more like Fibromayalgia than CFS. Fibromayalgia is a hereditary disease and a few of my family members on both sides have it, there is no cure, and the cause is still unknown. I have never been big on taking medicine so I wanted to check out some other options. My mom scheduled me a meeting with a holistic doctor to see what vitamins I could possibly take to help. I explained my symptoms and he said it sounded like textbook fibromayalgia and he gave me a list of vitamins to take and foods I should and should not eat. I've been taking my vitamins daily since the middle of July and they are actually helping some. I have good days and bad days when it comes to my aches and pains, but we have yet to figure out why I just can't seem to get a good nights sleep. When I get really tired my eyes have a hard time focusing and I feel cross-eyed. Me and Daniel have dubbed it cross-eyedis.
Today has been one of those bad days. I've been laying on an ice pack most of the day feeling like I have a half dozen knives in my lower back. This has given me plenty of time to think.... Every morning when Daniel and I talk he asks me how I slept, how I feel, and/or if my back hurts, and every morning, I give him an answer that is the same or similar as the morning's before. I slept like a rock but I feel like I've been run over by a truck, my back feels blah, my body is stiff...you get my drift. Well this morning I felt ok when I woke up, but our first conversation went just like the days before. I told him he doesn't have to ask every morning how I feel, it doesn't bother me if he does, but I just feel bad that I always give the same answer. I realized this morning why it is that Daniel asks me those questions every morning, he asks because he believes for a better outcome. He said he prays daily that God will give me a good nights sleep and to make me feel better, to heal me. I have always had a hard time asking God for things for myself, because I feel like he has already given me so much, asking for more is just being selfish. I'd much rather pray for someone else's healing than my own. I have been telling myself that I won't let fibromayalgia rule my life, it may be hard, but I'll work through it. I need to be positive, I need to be like Daniel and expect a better outcome, no matter how long it may take, I need to hope for the best.
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Today has been one of those bad days. I've been laying on an ice pack most of the day feeling like I have a half dozen knives in my lower back. This has given me plenty of time to think.... Every morning when Daniel and I talk he asks me how I slept, how I feel, and/or if my back hurts, and every morning, I give him an answer that is the same or similar as the morning's before. I slept like a rock but I feel like I've been run over by a truck, my back feels blah, my body is stiff...you get my drift. Well this morning I felt ok when I woke up, but our first conversation went just like the days before. I told him he doesn't have to ask every morning how I feel, it doesn't bother me if he does, but I just feel bad that I always give the same answer. I realized this morning why it is that Daniel asks me those questions every morning, he asks because he believes for a better outcome. He said he prays daily that God will give me a good nights sleep and to make me feel better, to heal me. I have always had a hard time asking God for things for myself, because I feel like he has already given me so much, asking for more is just being selfish. I'd much rather pray for someone else's healing than my own. I have been telling myself that I won't let fibromayalgia rule my life, it may be hard, but I'll work through it. I need to be positive, I need to be like Daniel and expect a better outcome, no matter how long it may take, I need to hope for the best.
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
I have done more thinking, praying, and searching for guidance in the last few weeks than I think I have ever done my entire life! I was having this great conversation with God the other morning when he asked me a question that stopped me dead in my tracks. For you to better understand let me explain this.... I have dated several guys in a few different branches of the military and for years I have thought I would marry a man in the military. The thought of my husband having to be gone for extended periods of time didn't frighten me, after all I have installed a toilet! And having to move on a whim? How exciting! I mean yes it would be very hard to be away from my family, but I could live places I never would have if my husband had a "normal" job.
So the question God asked me was this, Why is it that I would be so hesitant to move if I felt He were calling me to go, but I would jump at the idea if the military said to pick up and move? At first this shocked me! I mean why on earth would God want to rip me out of my comfort zone where I feel safe and in control and ask me to follow Him? A peace came over me as God told me this: "Your prayer has been that you would find a man whose heart was on fire for God and it was blatantly obvious, I have given you that, and in return I am asking for your complete faith and trust in me that I will take care of you where ever I have you go. Though Daniel is not a part of the U.S. Military, he is a part of my army, he's not fighting for freedom, he is fighting for the hearts and souls of nonbelievers." I accepted this frightening challenge and agreed that if that is what it took for me to marry a man on fire for God, it was well worth it. And what is more amazing is that that night Daniel asked me if He felt God calling us to move, would I go? Without hesitating I said yes, if that's what we felt God was calling us to do. It still amazes me that he would have even thought to ask that question, but what amazes me more is that God gave me my answer that same morning. This whole week I have been saying this quote over and over in my mind every time I am frightened about what my future holds, "Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of God."
Daniel has told me countless time how desperately him and PL want to change the world. They can influence it, but they cannot make people change. I have been wanting to share this passage with them that I read years ago, I wish I knew the author, but my memory fails me. "When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I realized the word would not change and I decided to shorten my sights, somewhat and change only my country, but it too seemed immovable. As I entered my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I sought to change only my family, those closest to me, but alas they would have none of it. And now here I lie on my death bed and realize that if only I’d changed myself first, then by example I may have influenced my family, and with their encouragement and support. I may have bettered my country, and who knows, I may have changed the world." Daniel and Leonce, I want you both to know how much you mean to me. I would not be who I am at this moment if it weren't for your influence over the past few months. You have changed my world.
So the question God asked me was this, Why is it that I would be so hesitant to move if I felt He were calling me to go, but I would jump at the idea if the military said to pick up and move? At first this shocked me! I mean why on earth would God want to rip me out of my comfort zone where I feel safe and in control and ask me to follow Him? A peace came over me as God told me this: "Your prayer has been that you would find a man whose heart was on fire for God and it was blatantly obvious, I have given you that, and in return I am asking for your complete faith and trust in me that I will take care of you where ever I have you go. Though Daniel is not a part of the U.S. Military, he is a part of my army, he's not fighting for freedom, he is fighting for the hearts and souls of nonbelievers." I accepted this frightening challenge and agreed that if that is what it took for me to marry a man on fire for God, it was well worth it. And what is more amazing is that that night Daniel asked me if He felt God calling us to move, would I go? Without hesitating I said yes, if that's what we felt God was calling us to do. It still amazes me that he would have even thought to ask that question, but what amazes me more is that God gave me my answer that same morning. This whole week I have been saying this quote over and over in my mind every time I am frightened about what my future holds, "Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of God."
Daniel has told me countless time how desperately him and PL want to change the world. They can influence it, but they cannot make people change. I have been wanting to share this passage with them that I read years ago, I wish I knew the author, but my memory fails me. "When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I realized the word would not change and I decided to shorten my sights, somewhat and change only my country, but it too seemed immovable. As I entered my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I sought to change only my family, those closest to me, but alas they would have none of it. And now here I lie on my death bed and realize that if only I’d changed myself first, then by example I may have influenced my family, and with their encouragement and support. I may have bettered my country, and who knows, I may have changed the world." Daniel and Leonce, I want you both to know how much you mean to me. I would not be who I am at this moment if it weren't for your influence over the past few months. You have changed my world.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Just because there are obstacles in your way doesn't mean you're on the wrong path
For the past 2 months I have been attending a group at my church called ZAO. It is for anyone between the ages of 18 and 29. ZAO means alive, to live, to have life. And I have got to say I have never met a group of people with such life in them. Everyone who attends comes from a different background and when I am with them I don't feel judged at all. We all have our struggles, but we have overcome them and through that we are able to encourage others with the same or similar problems. I started going to the church it is a part of about 3 months ago. My friend Kristal and her brother Daniel (my now boyfriend :) but that's a whole other story) encouraged me to start coming to church on Sunday morning and ZAO Thursday night. Pastor Leonce is over ZAO and he is an amazing speaker. I have never been so encouraged and challenged to be my best. Either my first or second week there PL challenged us to be nice to our enemy. It was our way of celebrating National Hater Day, I think. I knew who it was that I was supposed to be nice to and anyone who knows me well enough can probably guess who it is. I was willing to accept the challenge but I kind of shrugged off the importance of it by the end of the night and didn't think another thing about. When I returned to ZAO the next week and PL mentioned the challenge I realized that without even trying I had accomplished it. My enemy doesn't even know I was nice to them, in fact they know nothing about the whole challenge. I defended this person against someone I love dearly and there was nothing in it for me. I didn't try to be nice, I wasn't even thinking about the challenge, I was just doing what my heart told me was right, and for that I know it was sincere.
July 24th PL challenged us to get rid of the one thing or one person that was standing between us and God for one week. Now this I was not too thrilled about. I knew instantly who that person was for me. He had been my best friend for 4 years and he recently got engaged and I wasn't too happy about it. I cried most of the night, knew it would not be easy but I told God I would give it a try. I told Daniel who I was having to get rid of and I told him that maybe this guy getting engaged was the best thing that ever happened to me. I either called or text him once that week but he didn't respond and it was then that I accepted that this was what God wanted for me. From then on I didn't care that I had just given up someone I had been holding on to for so long. I was giving up the one person I had let give me my purpose, and in doing that I came to grips with the fact that God was the only one who could do that for me. It is what He thinks about me that matters most.
Accepting all of this was still very hard for me but God made it more obvious that it was in my best interest. Last Thursday PL spoke on Mark 10:17-21 where God told the rich young man that he lacked only "one thing." PL asked us to contemplate what our "one thing" was that is keeping us from fully committing to God. For me it was still this guy. For years I had listened to what he said about me and accepted it as the truth. This was a huge night of healing for me and I am thrilled to say I have finally let him go. I do not wish anything bad upon him but I realize that by being his friend I was harming myself, my spirit, and my relationship with God.
And with alot of contemplation I realized that I never would have been able to pursue a relationship with Daniel if I hadn't let go of this other guy. I have been so much happier over the past few weeks. I haven't had this guy dragging me down and I am secure in the assurance that God's opinion of me never changes, I may disappoint him but his love never fails.
July 24th PL challenged us to get rid of the one thing or one person that was standing between us and God for one week. Now this I was not too thrilled about. I knew instantly who that person was for me. He had been my best friend for 4 years and he recently got engaged and I wasn't too happy about it. I cried most of the night, knew it would not be easy but I told God I would give it a try. I told Daniel who I was having to get rid of and I told him that maybe this guy getting engaged was the best thing that ever happened to me. I either called or text him once that week but he didn't respond and it was then that I accepted that this was what God wanted for me. From then on I didn't care that I had just given up someone I had been holding on to for so long. I was giving up the one person I had let give me my purpose, and in doing that I came to grips with the fact that God was the only one who could do that for me. It is what He thinks about me that matters most.
Accepting all of this was still very hard for me but God made it more obvious that it was in my best interest. Last Thursday PL spoke on Mark 10:17-21 where God told the rich young man that he lacked only "one thing." PL asked us to contemplate what our "one thing" was that is keeping us from fully committing to God. For me it was still this guy. For years I had listened to what he said about me and accepted it as the truth. This was a huge night of healing for me and I am thrilled to say I have finally let him go. I do not wish anything bad upon him but I realize that by being his friend I was harming myself, my spirit, and my relationship with God.
And with alot of contemplation I realized that I never would have been able to pursue a relationship with Daniel if I hadn't let go of this other guy. I have been so much happier over the past few weeks. I haven't had this guy dragging me down and I am secure in the assurance that God's opinion of me never changes, I may disappoint him but his love never fails.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Something old....something new!
My parents recently went to visit my Uncle Bruce and Aunt Marlina in AL and knowing my love of fixing up old furniture my mom jumped at the opportunity to bring me an old dresser Marlina was getting rid of. This cute little number has a textured surface and tons of potential and I couldn't wait to get out my paints and brushes and give it a face lift!Luckily the other weekend was fairly cool and I was able to open my doors and let the air blow through the screens to keep the fumes at bay so I could paint! I pulled out my drop clothe and went to work.
2 paint brushes, 3 colors, and a few hours later and this little baby was done! I am still on the hunt for the perfect pull drawer handles but in the mean time I am quite pleased with myself!
And the results are.......
I absolutely love fixing up used furniture and would love to do it more often. Wouldn't it be nifty if I could turn this hobby into a career? Speaking of career.....I am officially a Financial Service Representative which is a fancy name for "bank teller that doesn't get paid enough to put up with crazy people's shenanigans"! I had 8 days of in-class training and 2 days observing another teller. Now I am the one being observed. I cannot even begin to explain the amount of information that was crammed into my brain in such a short amount of time! Information overload! I have already gotten some dirty looks and a few "Aww, you must be new" smiles. I've even been been tempted to crawl under the desk and hide! Another teller was helping a woman and she began to pitch a hissy fit when she didn't get her way (because what she was asking us to do is illegal) and she began screaming and even threw the telephone at the teller after getting done talking to the manager! I sat back wide eyed trying not to hyperventilate! When I left for lunch that day I called my mom bawling my eyes out and told her I can't handle this! I still don't know if I can handle it! I don't feel like a bank teller, I don't act like a bank teller, and I sure as heck don't look like a bank teller! I am a poser! My inner hippy is seriously rebelling! I've been thinking about it and the only other job I can imagine having right now is to work at Starbucks! I love coffee! Coffee runs through my veins! If it could be administered through an IV I would be hooked up! Currently none of the Starbucks in the area are hiring but if a position opens up I don't think I would hesitate to take it!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
I was tagged by Peaches and posh!
Mary-Catherine at Peaches and Posh has tagged me to list the 5 things I love the most! So here goes....
1. My family. I live within 10 minutes of my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew and I love it! Getting to share old memories and make new ones is such an exciting time! And of course the arrival of Hannah and Elijah has been such a blessing! It is so much fun to cuddle up with them and see their personalities blossom!
2. Arts and Crafts. I love anything artistic! Painting, photography, drawing, writing, and most recently, fixing up old furniture! To be able to take something that is old and already has some history to it and give it a face lift and a new life is thrilling!
3. Thanksgiving. It is my favorite of all holidays! There's no stress of gift giving and it seems much more relaxed! We cook for days and when we finally get to enjoy the meal it only takes about 15 minutes to be stuffed beyond belief because there is so much food!
4. Reading. I love curling up with a good book, whether it be a comdey, romance, mystery, or historical.
5. Spending time outdoors. Sitting on my deck overlooking the valley while having my morning coffee. Laying in a hammock. Going for a walk/hike. Taking pictures of nature. Going to the river. Though sometimes it is just a matter of letting the outdoors in- opening the doors and letting the breeze blow in through the screens.
1. My family. I live within 10 minutes of my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew and I love it! Getting to share old memories and make new ones is such an exciting time! And of course the arrival of Hannah and Elijah has been such a blessing! It is so much fun to cuddle up with them and see their personalities blossom!
2. Arts and Crafts. I love anything artistic! Painting, photography, drawing, writing, and most recently, fixing up old furniture! To be able to take something that is old and already has some history to it and give it a face lift and a new life is thrilling!
3. Thanksgiving. It is my favorite of all holidays! There's no stress of gift giving and it seems much more relaxed! We cook for days and when we finally get to enjoy the meal it only takes about 15 minutes to be stuffed beyond belief because there is so much food!
4. Reading. I love curling up with a good book, whether it be a comdey, romance, mystery, or historical.
5. Spending time outdoors. Sitting on my deck overlooking the valley while having my morning coffee. Laying in a hammock. Going for a walk/hike. Taking pictures of nature. Going to the river. Though sometimes it is just a matter of letting the outdoors in- opening the doors and letting the breeze blow in through the screens.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
What a Steal!
Before giving an overall update on life I just had to share my latest yardsale experience! I was on my
way to my parents house friday morning and I came across a yard sale so of course I had to stop. I'm looking around and then all of the sudden standing infront of me was the desk of my dreams! (ha, you thought I was going to say man didn't you!) I had been on the hunt for a small writing desk and I finally found it! Only problem was it was way out of my price range. Originally priced at $125 it had been marked down to $95 and the man even told me he would sell it to me for $75. I would be crazy not to take it! I called my mom, Mrs. Negotiator, and asked her what the lowest was I could offer him, she said $50. So I threw my offer out there and after 
much contemplation he agreed and helped me load it into my car (after having realized we were going to have to remove the legs). I'm as happy as a clam the rest of the day and was so excited to take it to my brother's shop to paint it! Gasp! I know! I mentioned painting it to Jonathan and he could not believe his ears! Once we carried it into his shop and started looking around we realized that this was a very nice, very old antique! He thinks it is made of Walnut and as we turned it over to put the legs back on we noticed the hardware had been stamped saying "Pat. Jan 1919"!
Holy crap! This beautiful desk is almost 100 years old! Just as a reminder, Jan 1919 is when World War 1 started..... You can all breathe a sigh of relief now, I quickly decided painting the desk was not an option,
so me and Jonathan loaded it back into my car so I coul
d set it up at my house! It is absolutely perfect! It even has an ink well built into the desk!
way to my parents house friday morning and I came across a yard sale so of course I had to stop. I'm looking around and then all of the sudden standing infront of me was the desk of my dreams! (ha, you thought I was going to say man didn't you!) I had been on the hunt for a small writing desk and I finally found it! Only problem was it was way out of my price range. Originally priced at $125 it had been marked down to $95 and the man even told me he would sell it to me for $75. I would be crazy not to take it! I called my mom, Mrs. Negotiator, and asked her what the lowest was I could offer him, she said $50. So I threw my offer out there and after much contemplation he agreed and helped me load it into my car (after having realized we were going to have to remove the legs). I'm as happy as a clam the rest of the day and was so excited to take it to my brother's shop to paint it! Gasp! I know! I mentioned painting it to Jonathan and he could not believe his ears! Once we carried it into his shop and started looking around we realized that this was a very nice, very old antique! He thinks it is made of Walnut and as we turned it over to put the legs back on we noticed the hardware had been stamped saying "Pat. Jan 1919"! Holy crap! This beautiful desk is almost 100 years old! Just as a reminder, Jan 1919 is when World War 1 started..... You can all breathe a sigh of relief now, I quickly decided painting the desk was not an option,so me and Jonathan loaded it back into my car so I coul
d set it up at my house! It is absolutely perfect! It even has an ink well built into the desk!In other news, I got to experience my first outing with 7 week old twins, and it was just that, quite an expeience. I went with Jonathan, Betsy, Hannah, and Eli into town to run some errands and eat dinner. Eli got to go on his first, but certainly not last, Lowe's trip with his daddy. He seemed quite content surrounded by building supplies and tools. What can I say, like father like son.
And dad fullfilled his promise that he would have me roofing before I knew it. He pulled his back out so I helped Jonathan finish putting a roof over mom and dad's deck. In the beginning dad and Jonathan were trying to teach me how to walk on the beams and I quite shaky. It's not really heights that I am afraid of, it's falling that makes me uneasy! But after a long, hot, back aching day, I survived yet another construction job!
This was the view in our valley one night a week or so ago. Breathtaking. You could see the beginning and end of the rainbow, sadly I could not back up far enough to catch it all on screen! Hope you enjoy!
And dad fullfilled his promise that he would have me roofing before I knew it. He pulled his back out so I helped Jonathan finish putting a roof over mom and dad's deck. In the beginning dad and Jonathan were trying to teach me how to walk on the beams and I quite shaky. It's not really heights that I am afraid of, it's falling that makes me uneasy! But after a long, hot, back aching day, I survived yet another construction job!
This was the view in our valley one night a week or so ago. Breathtaking. You could see the beginning and end of the rainbow, sadly I could not back up far enough to catch it all on screen! Hope you enjoy!Thursday, June 26, 2008
L.O.V.E.
Look how big they are getting! Hannah and Eli were 5 weeks old yesterday and I am once again amazed at how quickly time passes! I have had so much fun getting to spend time with them and help Jonathan and Betsy take care of them! It is so exciting to see how little bits of their personalities are coming out. Hannah is so dainty and she loves to cuddle to fall asleep. Eli is all boy and he's beginning to make cooing noises that are so cute!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
You can just call me Ms. Goodwrench.
I've got a job! I got hired by a local bank and I will be working in a branch that is located in a grocery store. Technically I will be a bank teller, but the job has a much fancier name because I will also be dealing with loans, opening accounts, and all that jazz. Training doesn't start until the end of July and thats a long time to wait but it gives me plenty of time to shop for my new "bank appropriate wardrobe." I am very excited and very nervous!
In the mean time I have become a construction worker. It's ok, you can laugh. My dad is a contractor, my brother is a subcontractor, and for the past 2 weeks I have been apart of the family business. I'll be working for dad hopefully until my training starts for the bank. I spent the last week polyurathaning, floor to ceiling, a room and bathroom that the guys added onto an exsisting cabin. I've killed brain cells, left scratches on my arms trying to peel polyurathane off myself, and gotten quite a few weird first glances from guys coming on to the job site for odd jobs, but I have to say, I quite like my job :) Jonathan, my brother, was talking about his son Eli the other day and said to my dad "we always knew we'd have another Booth guy working with us one day." To which dad replied, "Yeah, but none of us ever expected it to be Jessica!" To say the least I think the guys get a kick out of me working there. Parts of this job make me nervous, like when dad says 'before you know it we'll have you up there roofing!', and other times when he hands over one of those big industrial floor sanders and says 'take it away!' and it starts steering me in circles and he gives me a thumbs up and says 'it's a good ab workout!' and I'm thinking, my abs are fine just the way they are, i'll stick with the poly. Since being on this job I've learned how to obviously polyurathane and sand a floor, but I have also put a toilet in, installed a faucet onto a sink, and laid a heating coil under a tile floor. My mom says I'll make someone a wonderful husband someday, but I'm thinking at this rate I'll be showing most of the guys up and any one of them would be too embarassed to marry me.
I like working with dad and Jonathan because we are similar in that we like to work with our hands. Starting with a pile of stuff and being able to complete and have a finished project is thrilling! In my house I am lacking in cabinet and counter space so me and my dad sat down and drew up some plans to build me a cabinet for my "coffee corner". Me and my dad set aside a few days and several scrap pieces of wood and finally completed this little cabinet for my house! Everything is finished except for the glass panels that I need to buy to put in the doors....take a looksie!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Attack of the Hummingbird and a few new treasures!
This morning I was having coffee on my deck and almost got taken out by 2 hummingbirds playing chase near their feeder only a few feet infront of my face! The blurry object to the left of the feeder is one of the little guys that kept buzzing past my head! It would take a while to figure out what was hovering in the air because the cicadas that have taken over our area rival the hummingbirds in size. With this being the year of the cicada they are everywhere and they make a constant noise that sounds alot like a house alarm going off.
I've picked up
a few new treasures this past week at a local thrift store and I can't wait to go back and see what new items they get in! I found this vintage clothes hamper and am using it to store blankets in in my living room! I also found these really cute rectangular dishes. I'm not quite sure what they are, my mom said they'd be great plates for a taco night!
I was at a
friends house the other day and they had a stray black kitten roaming around so I took it home, named her Ebony, and introduced her to my dog Tink and after a few days they are finally beginning to like each other! She likes to sleep in the bathroom sink and she's always rubbing up against me. She really is quite something else and I really enjoy her company :) and Hopefully she'll help keep any and all critters out of my house!I found these adorable little dessert plates at T.J. Maxx and just couldn't pass them up!
They are made by Boston Warehouse and called Sweet Tooth. There are some cute dessert bowls made by the same company but I've yet to find them :( I'll keep my eyes open though!
Monday, May 26, 2008
An Ache I Can't Explain
It's been 3 weeks since I moved back to the Smokies and I'm settled into my house except for a few areas here and there that still need to be organized. It is so good to be closer to my family and the only part about Nashville I have missed is my church. I haven't gotten to visit any around here yet but I am hoping to do so soon. May 21st my niece and nephew were born and they are amazing and I am so excited to watch them grow and experience the world for the first time. I had a job interview this past week and I should be hearing something back this week. My fingers are crossed that I get this job and will finally be able to settle into somewhat of a routine.
Everything about making a home here feels right, but it feels like something is missing. I am generally a very happy person. I am also a very lonely person. For as long as I can remember I have felt this ache, an ache in my heart, an ache in the pit of my stomache, an ache that I cannot explain. I feel this ache as I lay in bed awake at night just waiting for sleep to take over me, I feel it when I think about love, I feel it when I spend evening after evening alone. I have never been good at relationships, whether between friends or loves. I am one of those people who cares deeply for others close to me. This care has been mistaken by some and pushed aside by many, yet that ache for them to feel the same way remains the same. I don't like to be lonely, I don't want to be lonely, yet even in a room full of people, somehow I still manage to feel lonely.
♥JB
Everything about making a home here feels right, but it feels like something is missing. I am generally a very happy person. I am also a very lonely person. For as long as I can remember I have felt this ache, an ache in my heart, an ache in the pit of my stomache, an ache that I cannot explain. I feel this ache as I lay in bed awake at night just waiting for sleep to take over me, I feel it when I think about love, I feel it when I spend evening after evening alone. I have never been good at relationships, whether between friends or loves. I am one of those people who cares deeply for others close to me. This care has been mistaken by some and pushed aside by many, yet that ache for them to feel the same way remains the same. I don't like to be lonely, I don't want to be lonely, yet even in a room full of people, somehow I still manage to feel lonely.
♥JB
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Speechless
Wednesday, May 21, 2008 my brother, Jonathan and his wife, Betsy welcomed their first two children into the world! On the left is Elijah (Eli) David, weighing 5lbs 3oz and on the right is Hannah Faith weighing 4lbs 8oz!I would love to go into more details but I am still currently SPEECHLESS.
♥JB
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
100 Things
I stole this from Mary's (Peaches and Posh) blog because it looked like fun!
1. I just got back from vacation in Long Beach, CA
2. I moved to the Smoky Mountains the day after I got back from vacation
3. I hate bugs!
4. I live in a cottage!
5. I can't wait to start a big garden!
6. I have a dog
7. I'm hoping to get a kitten once i get settled in
8. I have nannied 6 kids over the past 2 years.
9. I will be an aunt to twins any day now!
10. I'm thrilled I will be living close to them and get to watch them grow up!
11. I adore kids and can't wait to have my own!
12. I have drank coffee since I was 4 and I can't live without it!
13. I am only 5 feet tall
14. I love decorating!
15. I love baking and can't wait to do more in my new kitchen
16. I have 2 tattoos
17. I have 12 piercings
18. I used to have my nose pierced
19. I am in the process of writing a children's book series
20. I am working on illustrating my children's book series
21. I want nothing more than to be a mom
22. I am patiently waiting on my Mr. wonderful, though annoyed that I haven't met him yet
23. Against my will I have become a morning person
24. I am allergic to animals
25. I have never in my life not had a pet
26. I love to rock climb
27. I have been sea kayaking
28. I have sleep issues
29. I go to California once a year but I would like to make it every six months
30. I feel naked without my phone, it's always with me and never turned off
31. I used to play soccer
32. I used to play piano, flute, and clarinet
33. I have a bulging disk in my lower back
34. I get sunburns very easily if I don't wear sunscreen
35. I religiously put on sunscreen
36. I've only gotten my hair cut by a pro once
37. I love airports and flying!
38. I like watching people and how they interact
39. Pedicures are the best but I don't get them often :(
40. I have more guy friends than girl friends
41. My handwritting looks like that of a 4 years old
42. I am OCD
43. I love anything outdoors
44. I don't drink enough water (or any drink) to equal 8 glasses a day
45. I have never been water skiing
46. I generally enjoy having conversations with older adults rather than people my age
47. I cannot roll my tongue
48. I cannot roll my "R"s
49. I took 2 years of spanish and can hardly remember a lick of it
50. I love to write
51. I love to go to thrift stores
52. I recently got an old record player!
53. I am in the process of growing my record collection
54. I love sign language, I am trying to learn more because I would love to become fluent
55. I will teach my kids sign lanuguage
56. I want 3 or 4 kids
57. My dad, my brother, and Taylor are my heros
58. I am afraid of drowning
59. I hate clowns
60. I love to paint
61. I love butterflies!
62. I would love to open up a dessert shop one day
63. Mellow Mushroom is one of my all time favorite places to eat
64. I have had a bird for 14 years
65. I am eccentric
66. I love musicals
67. I have a wide range of favorite music
68. I own way too many movies
69. I love taking pictures
70. I like to have background noise while working on things
71. I get freaked out/scared easily
72. I love watching Will & Grace
73. I love banana bread!
74. I don't like looking out windows at night
75. I love buying old furniture and fixing it up
76. My favorite cake is a seven layer swiss chocolate cake with cream cheese icing!
77. I've only been snow skiing once
78. I have a shoe addiction
79. I am running out of doors to hang my shoe rack things on
80. My favorite word is Serenity
81. Richard Gere is one of my favorite actors! (and he's such a hottie!)
82. I adore Julia Roberts
83. I am a vegetarian
84. I love to read
85. I will probably have arthritis one day from texting too much
86. I have asthma
87. I love to go walking
88. I don't have a favorite color, I love them all!
89. My closet is color-coordinated by the rainbow (ROY G BIV)
90. I LOVE cream cheese icing on my brownies (chewy not dry)!
91. I think pregnant women are beautiful, I can't wait to be pregnant!
92. I write myself alot of little notes to remind myself of things I need to do
93. I love my mom's homemade mac & cheese
94. Eddie Izzard is my favorite comedian
95. I LOVE flowers! Especially Daisys
96. I eat alot of small meals throughout the day
97. I'd rather eat cookie dough than baked cookies
98. My family mean the world to me
99. I love bubbles
100. I have red hair!
1. I just got back from vacation in Long Beach, CA
2. I moved to the Smoky Mountains the day after I got back from vacation
3. I hate bugs!
4. I live in a cottage!
5. I can't wait to start a big garden!
6. I have a dog
7. I'm hoping to get a kitten once i get settled in
8. I have nannied 6 kids over the past 2 years.
9. I will be an aunt to twins any day now!
10. I'm thrilled I will be living close to them and get to watch them grow up!
11. I adore kids and can't wait to have my own!
12. I have drank coffee since I was 4 and I can't live without it!
13. I am only 5 feet tall
14. I love decorating!
15. I love baking and can't wait to do more in my new kitchen
16. I have 2 tattoos
17. I have 12 piercings
18. I used to have my nose pierced
19. I am in the process of writing a children's book series
20. I am working on illustrating my children's book series
21. I want nothing more than to be a mom
22. I am patiently waiting on my Mr. wonderful, though annoyed that I haven't met him yet
23. Against my will I have become a morning person
24. I am allergic to animals
25. I have never in my life not had a pet
26. I love to rock climb
27. I have been sea kayaking
28. I have sleep issues
29. I go to California once a year but I would like to make it every six months
30. I feel naked without my phone, it's always with me and never turned off
31. I used to play soccer
32. I used to play piano, flute, and clarinet
33. I have a bulging disk in my lower back
34. I get sunburns very easily if I don't wear sunscreen
35. I religiously put on sunscreen
36. I've only gotten my hair cut by a pro once
37. I love airports and flying!
38. I like watching people and how they interact
39. Pedicures are the best but I don't get them often :(
40. I have more guy friends than girl friends
41. My handwritting looks like that of a 4 years old
42. I am OCD
43. I love anything outdoors
44. I don't drink enough water (or any drink) to equal 8 glasses a day
45. I have never been water skiing
46. I generally enjoy having conversations with older adults rather than people my age
47. I cannot roll my tongue
48. I cannot roll my "R"s
49. I took 2 years of spanish and can hardly remember a lick of it
50. I love to write
51. I love to go to thrift stores
52. I recently got an old record player!
53. I am in the process of growing my record collection
54. I love sign language, I am trying to learn more because I would love to become fluent
55. I will teach my kids sign lanuguage
56. I want 3 or 4 kids
57. My dad, my brother, and Taylor are my heros
58. I am afraid of drowning
59. I hate clowns
60. I love to paint
61. I love butterflies!
62. I would love to open up a dessert shop one day
63. Mellow Mushroom is one of my all time favorite places to eat
64. I have had a bird for 14 years
65. I am eccentric
66. I love musicals
67. I have a wide range of favorite music
68. I own way too many movies
69. I love taking pictures
70. I like to have background noise while working on things
71. I get freaked out/scared easily
72. I love watching Will & Grace
73. I love banana bread!
74. I don't like looking out windows at night
75. I love buying old furniture and fixing it up
76. My favorite cake is a seven layer swiss chocolate cake with cream cheese icing!
77. I've only been snow skiing once
78. I have a shoe addiction
79. I am running out of doors to hang my shoe rack things on
80. My favorite word is Serenity
81. Richard Gere is one of my favorite actors! (and he's such a hottie!)
82. I adore Julia Roberts
83. I am a vegetarian
84. I love to read
85. I will probably have arthritis one day from texting too much
86. I have asthma
87. I love to go walking
88. I don't have a favorite color, I love them all!
89. My closet is color-coordinated by the rainbow (ROY G BIV)
90. I LOVE cream cheese icing on my brownies (chewy not dry)!
91. I think pregnant women are beautiful, I can't wait to be pregnant!
92. I write myself alot of little notes to remind myself of things I need to do
93. I love my mom's homemade mac & cheese
94. Eddie Izzard is my favorite comedian
95. I LOVE flowers! Especially Daisys
96. I eat alot of small meals throughout the day
97. I'd rather eat cookie dough than baked cookies
98. My family mean the world to me
99. I love bubbles
100. I have red hair!
Monday, April 21, 2008
A Transitional Home
I moved to Nashville almost 2 years ago, July 1, 2006. A few months after I moved here I had lunch with a friend I had met at church and during lunch she told me how she feels that for many people Nashville is a transitional home. She said people are constantly coming and going but few people stay here for more than just a few years. At the time I didn't think of Nashville as a transitional home, I came with no agenda, time frame, or intention to leave. As I recalled this conversation in my head last night I realized that nashville became just that, a transitional place that I called home. I am now trying to figure out what Nashville is to me and what it has to do with my story. I have attended a great church up here, received more than my fair share of training for motherhood, and I have gotten much needed experience in living on my own and taking care of myself.
The things I have done and the people I have met while living in Nashville make me so thankful for that transition, but other than the fact that i will be much closer to my family, I am now wondering what it is that the Smokies have in store for me. The first time I moved there it was my parents choice, and I was not happy to say the least, but this time it is my choice. This time around I am older, I feel wiser, but more than anything I feel confused. It is very odd for me to be moving back to a city that I have already lived in for 7 years and basically starting from scratch. I still have a few friends (and all of my family) in the area, but other than that I will be on my own. I'm on the lookout for a job, a church, friends, and a husband (hahaha, sorry, had to throw that last one in there for my mom!).
I mentioned to one of my pastor friends at church last night that I was moving and he said 'let me ask you this, what is it that you want to do with your life? Other than be a wife and a mother?' I was instantly taken back when he said this because if you were to ask those closest to me what I want more than anything in the world they would answer 'to be a wife and a mother'. This is where most of my confusion lies. I feel that that is my purpose, but until those two dreams come true, I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. I'm searching. Searching for security, purpose, a place where I will feel and be needed. I am searching most of all for what I lose most often, my joy.
The things I have done and the people I have met while living in Nashville make me so thankful for that transition, but other than the fact that i will be much closer to my family, I am now wondering what it is that the Smokies have in store for me. The first time I moved there it was my parents choice, and I was not happy to say the least, but this time it is my choice. This time around I am older, I feel wiser, but more than anything I feel confused. It is very odd for me to be moving back to a city that I have already lived in for 7 years and basically starting from scratch. I still have a few friends (and all of my family) in the area, but other than that I will be on my own. I'm on the lookout for a job, a church, friends, and a husband (hahaha, sorry, had to throw that last one in there for my mom!).
I mentioned to one of my pastor friends at church last night that I was moving and he said 'let me ask you this, what is it that you want to do with your life? Other than be a wife and a mother?' I was instantly taken back when he said this because if you were to ask those closest to me what I want more than anything in the world they would answer 'to be a wife and a mother'. This is where most of my confusion lies. I feel that that is my purpose, but until those two dreams come true, I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. I'm searching. Searching for security, purpose, a place where I will feel and be needed. I am searching most of all for what I lose most often, my joy.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Art, or something like it
As I drove from Nashville to the Smoky Mountains today I thought alot about my love of art. Last weekend I painted a very large tree on the wall of my (soon to be) niece and nephews bedroom. It takes alot to get my creative juices flowing and even more energy to actually begin and complete a project. I often think of things I want to paint or make, but hardly ever do with the feeling that I will not have time or energy to complete it, and I hate leaving something half done. As i prepare to move into my new little cottage I can't help but be excited about the thought of stand on my deck, behind an easel, wearing clothes covered in crusty old paint from previous projects, and painting the mountain that is so perfectly framed by the trees infront of me.
During the short time I attended UT almost all of my classes were art classes. I enjoyed the process of starting from scratch and creating something totally original, however I did not like the grading process. Art is all about ones interpretation of the object infront of them. I find it hard to put a lable or grade with something that may look different to each person that passes it. For instance, two painters may be asked to paint a replica of the same picture. One painting may turn out to look idential to the picture it reflects, while the other may look completely different. This however does not mean that the painter who painted the different looking picture is any less talented than the first. Through the eyes of the second painter, they may have painted exactly what they saw. Interpretating art also makes me think of when a child colors a picture and asks you if you like it. You relpy yes and ask what it is and the child will probably look up at you bewildered and say well don't you know? Or can't you see it? It may look like a yellow squiggly in a blue circle to you, but to them it its duck swimming in a pond on a spring day.
During the short time I attended UT almost all of my classes were art classes. I enjoyed the process of starting from scratch and creating something totally original, however I did not like the grading process. Art is all about ones interpretation of the object infront of them. I find it hard to put a lable or grade with something that may look different to each person that passes it. For instance, two painters may be asked to paint a replica of the same picture. One painting may turn out to look idential to the picture it reflects, while the other may look completely different. This however does not mean that the painter who painted the different looking picture is any less talented than the first. Through the eyes of the second painter, they may have painted exactly what they saw. Interpretating art also makes me think of when a child colors a picture and asks you if you like it. You relpy yes and ask what it is and the child will probably look up at you bewildered and say well don't you know? Or can't you see it? It may look like a yellow squiggly in a blue circle to you, but to them it its duck swimming in a pond on a spring day.
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